


When I'm hurting he is always there to comfort me

by Aenaestasis



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coming Out, Confessions, Demisexual Katsuki Yuuri, Demisexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, Slice of Life, Supportive Victor Nikiforov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 08:46:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13050561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aenaestasis/pseuds/Aenaestasis
Summary: “Remember yesterday you mentioned past relationships? And I said ‘no comment’?” Yuuri quietly asks pursuing his lips and fiddling with loose string on his jeans while Victor slightly furrows his brows and nods.“Yuuri, I’m sorry if I crossed the boundaries.”“There’s nothing really wrong with asking about that. Although, yeah, it’s personal, but… It’s just… just… me. Me that is wrong. I am… wrong.”Or how Yuuri comes out to Victor.





	When I'm hurting he is always there to comfort me

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU in which Victor moves to Japan for work (he illustrates books) and Yuuri is his colleague. They didn’t know about each other until this spring. They are also a bit older than in canon. They live and work in Fukuoka but came to Hasetsu for a weekend. Victor is pinning for Yuuri but Yuuri has no idea yet.  
> Although nothing of that is mentioned in the fic itself I felt like I should tell about it.
> 
> What Yuuri feels is basically what I feel right now. And I desperately need someone like Victor in my life.

They sit on the beach, the most deserted and quiet place in Hasetsu. Heavy clouds hang low above the earth, moving fast with the high wind, air is humid and salty from the splashes of stormy ocean weaves, seagulls are crying in the sky while fighting with the wind.

It’s chilly, but not to the point of unbearable cold.

Yuuri drags his knees up hugging them tightly and leaning his chin on top. He is nervous and he needs all his courage now to be able to do what he was going to. He shivers from nerves. 

Victor glances at him before reaching for the basket they brought with them to take out two blankets, he silently offers one to Yuuri and he is so very grateful for that. Yuuri is also grateful that Victor doesn’t try to break the silence with a joke or a story. He wraps the blanket around himself watching from the corner of his eye as Victor does the same. He feels immensely better.

 

Yuuri had a sleepless night after what seemed like a harmless conversation he’d had with Victor the day before. He has been tossing and turning until dawn, haunted by the sour and painful thoughts which stirred in him during the day. Yuuri didn’t want to accept the fact that he cried, didn’t want to accept two heavy hot traitors-tears that escaped the corners of his eyes, ran across his temples and hid in the hairline while he was lying in the darkness. He felt like he couldn’t stand them any longer. He couldn’t fight those thoughts alone anymore. Few hours of restless sleep in the early morning did nothing to calm him or relieve the tension. Even after he woke up he felt desperate need to share this, to let this all out.

During breakfast his hands shook so much he was afraid to even take his glass of water. Of course Victor noticed the change in his demeanor, the shakiness, the quietness, the pained fake smile. Of course he had to ask what’s going on. Yuuri half wanted to hide everything and act like nothing happened as he used to do, half needed support desperately. “I have to tell you something,” he said finally while hiding his eyes from Victor, “But not here. Let’s go to the ocean. The weather is not perfect, but I just…” He trailed worrying the hem of his shirt with his fingers, sighed and chanced a glance at Victor who just gently smiled concern visible on his face. “That means we just need to pack few extra things.” Victor said reassuringly. 

 

Yuuri feels safe. Firstly because of the blanket that helped to create a soothing cocoon of warmth. Secondly because that’s his hometown, everything is familiar, and this spot on the beach is his favorite place to think. Thirdly he is here with the person he trusts. 

Now comes the hardest part.

Yuuri’s heart beats fast in his chest. He takes a deep breath.

“Remember yesterday you mentioned past relationships? And I said ‘no comment’?” Yuuri quietly asks pursuing his lips and fiddling with loose string on his jeans while Victor slightly furrows his brows and nods.

“Yuuri, I’m sorry if I crossed the boundaries.”

“There’s nothing really wrong with asking about that. Although, yeah, it’s personal, but… It’s just… just… me. Me that is wrong. I am… wrong.” He lets out a shuddering breath before pressing the heels of his hands to his brows and rocking slightly.

Victor doesn’t see where it could come from. Yuuri, so kind, gentle, smart, caring and charming person, what could possibly cause such thoughts? There’s probably only one way to find out – to be patient.

“It’s ‘no comment’ because there’s nothing to tell about, because there’s no past relationships, no dates even, nothing. I’m about to turn 27 soon. It’s pathetic.” Yuuri spats, hands still covering his face.

“I disagree on the last one.” Victor says calmly even though he is a bit surprised by that answer. Is everybody around blind? How can you NOT adore and love that man?

“Yuuri, it’s okay. Those things should come naturally. You can’t force them if it doesn’t feel right. Nobody has right to judge you. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of.” 

“I knooooow, but…” Yuuri breathes out so quietly it’s almost a whisper. “It still hurts. It hurts so much!” He clenches his fists. “I feel like I’m broken.”

“Why?” Victor asks gently before turning to face Yuuri properly and watch his reactions.

“Because I can’t love!”

Victor is speechless for a second. 

“What do you mean by that?” 

Yuuri puts his hands on his knees and stares at the ocean. He can’t look at Victor, he feels like he would break if he does. Opening your feelings is hard enough on itself; he feels too exposed and vulnerable to let Victor to look him in the eye. “Every time someone approaches me I push them away. There was one girl back in Detroit. We talked few times, had coffee, she seemed nice and interesting. Then she started to text me all the time, wanted to see me more often. I thought we were friends; I didn’t realize what was going on until one day she suddenly hugs me and kisses on a cheek and looks into my eyes and… sees someone else, not me. I freaked out. I pushed her away. I apologized but I couldn’t talk to her after that. I had no feelings for her. She just assumed things. I felt violated.” Yuuri’s voice becomes more hoarse with each word. “But she wasn’t the only one. My friend Phichit always encouraged me to socialize more, he would drag me to the parties and introduce people to me. But every time I wanted to get to know someone they assumed I was flirting or whatever while I wasn’t. I ran away from each of them.”

By that point Yuuri is rasping, his tongue and throat dry. He tries to swallow but to no avail. 

Victor takes out a thermos and pours some tea into a plastic cup before giving it to Yuuri who accepts it with tiny painful smile and a nod. Victor feels his own breath hitch. 

He imagines smacking his own head for being too forward with Yuuri when they just met back in April. 

Yuuri carefully sips hot liquid, hugging the cup tightly trying to warm his fingers while wind swishes through the bent old pines and seagulls cry high above.

Victor waits until Yuuri is ready to speak again. Finally he continues.

“I couldn’t get it. How can you come to a stranger and jump in bed with them? That sounds so crazy. I always needed a lot of time to get to know a person, to put down my walls, to let them in and once I did it means forever. I don’t understand how can you look at the person knowing that they won’t stay with you and still let them… touch you.”

“Yuuri, have you ever felt like you wanted to be touched?” Victor asks carefully.

“Um…” Yuuri fidgets. His eyes wonder around not stopping on one object for long, he bites his bottom lip. “I had what people would call a crush only twice in my life. First when I was a teen. It was for Yuuko, you’ve met her, my childhood friend, and it was purely platonic. She was dating her future husband at the time, I couldn’t tell her about my feelings, so I had to deal with them on my own. I tried to cut it out of my heart. It was painful to see her, to talk to her. Eventually I was able to overcome it. Second happened when I was on my last year in college.” Yuuri’s never told that to anyone except Phichit who witnessed that situation. He’d never come out to someone. He desperately hopes Victor would accept him. “His name was Mark. We were friends though I was strangely drawn to him. Once I had a dream in which we kissed. That’s when I realized I liked him in that way. That was like a punch to the gut. I always thought I would find a nice girl, we would get married, have a kid and live long happy life together. My world shuttered. He was the first and the only person I actually wanted to kiss but he was straight.”

Yuuri’s breath becomes erratic and shallow. He starts counting seconds while inhaling in attempt to calm down.

“I had… I had to cut those feelings out of my heart again. I thought ‘fine, I’ve already done that, I’ll manage’, but I had no idea how much it would hurt afterwards, how much it would affect me. F-first t-time I felt… something… and I ought to… to throw it away. Like it’s nothing. Like it n-never actually existed.”

With words came memories and now Yuuri drowns in reliving all of that pain. He sobs. There are hot tears again. He takes his glasses off. He howls. His body shakes.

Victor doesn’t really know how to help and how to sooth him. He just does what he can. One loses a lot of water while crying – yes? – so it’s necessary to avoid dehydration. He gently pries the cup out of Yuuri’s trembling hands and pours more tea for him. He doesn’t hurry to offer it to Yuuri, who is too raw now and the tea is still too hot anyway. 

“That really sucks.” Victor finally says. He watches Yuuri to calm down a bit and then gives a cup back to him. Yuuri drinks quietly while drying his eyes with a sleeve.

Few minutes pass and eventually Yuuri continues.

“I’ve never been really interested in em… intimacy while I was a teenager. Never looked for it in books or movies. Not until Mark. After, yes, I was curious. I was 22 at the time. I suddenly understood I missed hella lot of stuff in life. And that on top of that I might be gay. It took me a few years just to come to terms with myself.” Yuuri cleans his glasses and puts them back to hide his puffy red face.

Victor takes it as an opportunity to say something. “And you did, didn’t you? At least now you know this about yourself, that’s good. And it means you actually did a lot of work. I know how hard it might’ve been.”

“You know?” Yuuri raises his head and for a first time since the conversation has began he looks Victor square in the eyes.

“I came to terms with myself too, though it happened a long time ago. I am gay and I am happy to be who I am.” Victor says not breaking eye contact.

“I didn’t know.” Yuuri whispers.

“Now you do.” Victor says and smiles. “Yuuri, from what you’ve said I can tell that you are able to love. There’s no doubt in that, for sure. Even if now you are thinking you are not. You’ve just been looking for a strong serious relationship with a right person and not for a short fling. Not everybody does that, not everybody wants that. But I’m sure there are others just like you.”

Yuuri turns away and looks at the ocean. Wind becomes stronger so he wraps blanket around himself more tightly. 

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” Victor reassures him. “The moment wasn’t right, the people weren’t right. That’s just the way you are, your own unique way. It’s probably hard to believe right now but your feelings would be reciprocated one day. And that person would be so, so lucky to have you.”

Tears are welling in Yuuri’s eyes again. But it’s not from pain this time. “It’s so hard to hope.” He whispers.

“I believe in what I say, Yuuri.” Victor says. “I truly do.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you for telling me that. I appreciate it a lot. I can’t imagine how much courage and strength it took.”

“Hella lot.” Yuuri nods and faces Victor. Their eyes meet. They look at each other for a long moment.

“I fight those demons for so long but they come back when I least expect them to. I really needed to hear what you said, Victor.” Yuuri admits. “They will go away for now.”

“You are welcome. Always. Any time. Do you feel any better now?”

“Yeah. But I must look like shit.” Yuuri winces.

Victor smiles. “You are.”

Yuuri can’t believe he is hearing it. “What?!”

Victor blinks innocently before chuckling. “I’m just teasing, never mind. The redness will go away soon.” He reaches for a thermos. “Might as well finish it before we leave. I would like to drink something warm now.”

“Oh, sorry. I kept the cup all the time.” Yuuri apologizes.

“I know you needed it.” Victor smiles. “Oh, we forgot about sandwiches.”

They sit on the sand, eat and talk, and then they get up still wrapped in blankets like huge burritos and walk along the water line searching for a good chewing stick for Makkachin who waits them at home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Hope you enjoed it.  
> I would appreciate comments and kudos)))
> 
> This is unbetaed. If you find a typo please let me know.


End file.
